Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of Quinn
by Ace Trax
Summary: Completed with Part 08: Mary Sue Slaughter Feast (Daria-look-alike-Mary-Sue included) This story is a Daria-Lord of the Rings fusion-crossover fanfiction. Betareaders appreachiated.
1. Introduction

Lord of the Rings: 

The Fellowship of Quinn. 

  


INTRODUCTION:   
This story is a "Daria"/"Lord of the Rings" fusion-crossover fanfiction. 

AUTHOR'S NOTES:   
I have rated it PG-13. 

AUTHOR'S APOLOGIES:   
I am deeply sorry, that I have ruined Tolkien's wonderful Saga, by rewriting it with the Daria-cast. 

MAIN CAST:   
This story is a "Daria"/"Lord of the Rings" crossover, but to be more precise, this is a "fusion" fanfiction. That means, that the Daria-characters act in the Middle-Earth-environment. To avoid now confusion, consult the following cast lists: 

LORD OF THE RINGS CAST: DARIA CAST:   
Frodo Baggins Quinn Morgendorffer   
Gandalf Anthony DeMartino   
Aragorn Daria Morgendorffer   
Legolas Greenleaf Jane Lane   
Gimli Brittany Taylor   
Boromir Jodie Landon   
The Hobbits Sandi Griffin   
Stacy Rowe   
Tiffany Blum-Decker   
Bilbo Baggins Jake Morgendorffer   
Saruman Timothy O'Neil   
Arwen Trent Lane   
Elrond Amanda Lane   
Galadriel Jesse Moreno 

DISCLAIMER:   
The copyright owner of the TV-Series "Daria" is MTV.   
The copyright owners of the Movie "Lord of the Rings" is New Line Cinema (an AOL Time Warner company) and Tolkien Enterprises.   
I have no connection with the copyright owners and I don't have the legal rights to use their material. This fanfiction story was done without authorization, permission or approval by their respective copyright owners. 

AUTHOR'S COPYRIGHT:   
Please note that this fanfiction is a derivative work, so it is protected by copyright law as long as the words and syntax are novel. That means:   
Me, as the author of this work do not own the pre-existing copyrighted stuff, but I do own the whole rest. Those are all the novel words and   
syntax, which make the story.   
This story is not for profit, it is a work of pure fandom, without any financial interests.   
Any financial or other uses of this document without the specific permission of the authors (me and the other copyright owners) are forbidden.   
Text Copyright © 2003, Ace Trax. All rights reserved. 

END NOTES:   
If you have any comments, than mail me under ace_trax@yahoo.de   
When you liked my sick sense of humour then visit my website on: www.geocities.com/ace_trax 

THANKS AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:   
Thanks to Tolkien, who gave Peter Jackson an opportunity to show us how beautiful New Zealand is.   
And thanks to the creative minds of MTV, who gave the world the best TV-series of all time: "The Osbournes". 


	2. Part 01: Every Saga needs a Prologue

Part I:   
Every Saga needs a Prologue. 

INT. LIBRARY - DAY   
_The narrator Ace Trax sits on a couch with a huge book, titled "Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of Quinn."_   
_In front of him an audience has gathered._   
_He starts to read out of the book._

ACE TRAX:   
Back on in the mystical old Lawndale Earth.   
Several magical rings were made.   
3 Rings for the Lanes, Extraordinaire Artists, who never made big money.   
7 Rings for the Sportjocks whose peak in life only takes place in middle school, high school and college.   
9 Rings for the Brains doomed to live until they die.   
But they were all deceived…   
I know a little Jewish jewellery in Geneva, where you can get exactly the same rings for only… 

AUDIENCE:   
Continue please with the story! 

ACE TRAX:   
Okay. There was that other Ring, a Master Ring that controls all others. Created In the Land of MTV in the fires of the Tom Green Show, the Dark Principle Li… 

AUDIENCE:   
Ace Trax! You are over-doing it with the humour, not everybody like such mad cap. 

ACE TRAX: _(sights)_   
Okay. History became legend, legend became myth, myth became a silly name for a perfume for… 

AUDIENCE:   
This is getting dull. Could you skip this, so we can come directly to the scene in which the Fashion Club rub each other with olive oil? 

ACE TRAX:   
There is no *such* scene. You are confusing this with that famous LOTR Slash in which the hobbits get extremely sticky and oily...   
This here is a clean, proper Daria-LOTR Crossover Fusion… 

AUDIENCE:   
This is so boring. Let's forget this c**p. Where we can find that particular LOTR Slash? 

ACE TRAX:   
Wait, wait! Don't leave. I just strike me that there is a tiny scene in which the Fashion club DO rub each other in with oil. 

AUDIENCE:   
Okay then continue, but without the boring stuff. 

ACE TRAX:   
Okay I do the fast version:   
At the slopes of the Great Strawberry Volcano, the Last Alliance of Brains and Lanes fought for the freedom of Lawndale Earth. 

AUDIENCE:   
Hang on, just a minute. What happened to Tom Green? 

ACE TRAX:   
Shhht, you are ruining the whole ambiance. 

AUDIENCE:   
Hey you brought up the Tom Green thing! 

ACE TRAX: _(loud)_   
HUGE BATTLE.   
QUEEN HELEN DIES.   
DARK PRINCIPLE LI DIES.   
AMY GETS THE RING.   
RING CORRUPS AMY.   
AMY DIES.   
RING LOST.   
VALLUM GETS THE RING.   
RING CORRUPS VALLUM.   
RING LOST.   
JAKE GETS RINGS.   
RING CORRUPS JAKE TO CHEAT THE TV- CABLE COMPANY. 


	3. Part 02: Four bottles of Olive Oil

Lord of the Rings:   
The Fellowship of Quinn.

Part II:   
Four bottles of Olive Oil.   


EXT. THE LAWNDALE MALL - DAY   
_The Lawndale mall is a hip place where all the hip Fashion Clubbers hang around._   
_A car pulls up and the great Wizard De Martino gets out and stumbles over Quinn._

QUINN:   
Mr. DeMartino! What news of the outside world? Tell me everything. 

DE MARTINO:   
EVERYTHING? You are far too eager and CURIOUS for a Fashion Clubber. Most unnatural. 

QUINN:   
Well, the cable company found out my uncle Jake was cheating them and took away our television set. And somehow I must keep in touch with the worldwide fashion trends. 

DE MARTINO: _(sights, as they walk on, side by side)_   
Well, what can I tell you? LIFE in the wide world goes on much as it has these past ages, full of its own COMINGS and goings, scarcely aware of the EXISTENCE of Fashion Clubbers...   
_(De Martino sees how a bunch of Fashion Clubbers storm a boutique wit has 20% discount.)_   
For which I am *VERY* thankful. 

QUINN:   
Yes, Mr. De Martino. But are flares really again "in". 

DE MARTINO:   
Quinn, Fashion Clubbers really are AMAZING creatures. You can teach all there is to know about the world in a HUNDRED years and yet after 5 minutes they can still SURPRISE you by forgetting everything again. 

QUINN: _(annoyed)_   
Sure whatever. Excuse me. I am off to buy with the Fashion Club some olive oil. 

_Both have walked up to Jake's House._

EXT. JAKE'S HOUSE - DAY   
_Quinn leaves DeMartino, while he walks to the door and knocks it._

JAKE VOICE OVER:   
Go away!   
I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.   
No I mean:   
I know a quarter of you double so well as I would like but only three-quarters a quarter as well you deserved.   
No I mean:   
I know four times of you a third as well like one fifth six times of you as well…   
Dammit! Just forget it. 

DE MARTINO:   
JAKE! It's ME! 

_The door opens. Jake welcomes DeMartino._

JAKE:   
Mr. DeMartino, my old friend. Want a little nip, to warm you up? 

DE MARTINO:   
Jake, I am a TEACHER of the Secret History, WIELDER of the Flame in AOL.   
Do you THINK I need a little nip? 

JAKE:   
I just thought... 

DE MARTINO:   
Of course I DO! Let me IN! 

AFTER SOME HOURS 

INT. JAKE'S HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY   
_Jake and DeMartino sit at a table. They had a couple of nips._

JAKE:   
I'm old, DeMartino. 

DE MARTINO:   
YOU haven't changed a bit. 

JAKE:   
Gah Dammit! No I mean I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel thin... sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread. 

DEMARTINO:_ (looks around)_   
Do you have ANY sandwiches? I am feeling a bit peckish. 

JAKE:   
I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return. In fact I mean not. Before I go, I think I should show you this, my friend. 

_Jake pull out a ring, the One Ring._

DEMARTINO: _(astonished)_   
A magical LIFE prolonging ring! 

JAKE: _(manic)_   
Yes, and it's mine... my own... my precious... 

DE MARTINO:   
PRECIOUS??? It's been called that BEFORE, but not by you. 

JAKE: _(manic)_   
Yes, and it's mine... my own... my precious... 

DE MARTINO:   
There are not many magic rings in THIS world, and NONE of them should be used likely. 

JAKE: _(manic)_   
Yes, and it's mine... my own... my precious... 

DE MARTINO:   
I think you HAVE had that ring quite LONG enough. 

JAKE: _(angry)_   
You just want it for yourself! 

DE MARTINO: _(he uses EVIL speaking)_   
JAKE! Do not take me for some CONJUROR of cheap tricks! 

_Jake hides under the table._

JAKE: _(afraid)_   
Mommy! 

DE MARTINO: _(trustworthy)_   
I am not trying to rob you; I'm trying to help you! 

JAKE: _(intimidated)_   
Okay, sorry. 

DE MARTINO: _(calm)_   
Now give it to me. 

JAKE:   
No, ... it's mine... my own... my precious... 

DE MARTINO:   
I don't believe THIS. How can you be SO stubborn? It is for your own GOOD. Now give it to me. 

JAKE:   
No. 

_Both struggle with each other._

DE MARTINO:   
Give IT to me! 

JAKE:   
It's mine. 

DE MARTINO:   
GIVE IT! 

JAKE:   
My precious. 

_Jake falls on his stomach and lies flat on the table while DeMartino grips his arms bending over him, trying to take his ring of.___

DE MARTINO:   
GIVE IT TO ME ! GIVE IT TO ME ! GIVE IT TO ME ! 

JAKE:   
My precious! My precious! My precious! 

_The door opens and Quinn, carrying a bottle of olive oil enters and catches them both at that rather compromising scene._

QUINN: _(disgusted)_   
EWWWWWWW. 

_Stacy, also carrying a bottle of olive oil, comes in and sees them._

STACY: _(disgusted)_   
EWWWWWWW. 

_Tiffany, with a bottle of olive oil, gets in and notices them._

TIFFANY:   
Uh, interesting… I mean EWWWWW. 

_Sandi, with olive oil, enters and comments._

SANDI: _(disgusted)_   
EWWWWWWW. Quinn, that is so *typical* for your family. 

_Both Jake and DeMartino are embarrassed and let go off each other. By doing so, the ring slips off Jake's hand and rolls into an open fire, revealing the hidden inscriptions in an old language._

INSCRIPTIONS: 

One Ring To Rule Them All,   
One Ring To Find Them,   
One Ring To Bring Them All,   
And In The Darkness Bind Them. 

(Made in Taiwan.) 

  
  


DE MARTINO:   
This is the ONE Ring! THE RING OF DARK PRINCIPAL LI. 

JAKE:   
No, ... it's mi… 

DE MARTINO:   
Shut up!   
Her power is growing stronger. Her fortress is rebuild. Her army has *multiplied*.   
She has crossed bomb-sniffing dogs with substitute teachers. 

THE FASHION CLUB AND JAKE:   
EwwWWW. 

DE MARTINO:   
Yes. Eww. And don't ask me ANY details… 

JAKE:   
But how do you know that all? 

DE MARTINO:   
If you PAID a minimum of attention DURING your daily TV-consummation, you would notice the 24-hour coverage of this crisis on CNN! 

JAKE:   
But the cable company cut us off. 

DE MARTINO: _(rolls his eyes)_   
Well, I must see the HEAD of my order:   
Mr. O'Neill the Wise and Powerful, which is meant SARCASTIC of course.   
Quinn! You will take the One Ring and meet me at Mom's Dinner in Alternapalooza.   
Keep it secret. Keep it safe.   
Jake! You will come with me. I know some very EFFECTIVE Ring-withdrawal-treatments for you. 

JAKE:   
But it's mine, my own, my prec... 

DE MARTINO: _(evil laughing)_   
Ha, ha, ha, ha, hah! He, he, he, he, heh! 

_DeMartino drags Jake out of the house. The Fashion Club remains inside._

QUINN:   
Well, I am off to Alternapalooza. 

STACY:   
I am coming with you. 

TIFFANY:   
Me toooooo. 

SANDI:   
Dearest friends, I don't want to *concern* you. But didn't you hear about the One Ring, Dark Principle Li and the End of the World stuff. 

STACY:   
Eep! 

QUINN:   
But *Sandi* on the way to Alternapalooza, we can drop by the mall there.   
And it is not just a mall, it is a super mall! The Mall of the Millennium. 

TIFFANY:_ (smiles)_   
We can shoooooop there forever! 


	4. Part 03: The Return of the Highland Shad...

Lord of the Rings:   
The Fellowship of Quinn.

Part III:   
Return of the Highland Shadows.   


EXT. MOM'S DINNER - ON THE WAY TO ALTERNAPALOOZA – EVENING   
_The Fashion club walks into the dinner, which is standing in the middle of the desert._

INT. MOM'S DINNER – EVENING   
_The Fashion Club enters. A waitress approaches them._

SUE THE WAITRESS: _(notice that they are Fashion Clubber and shouts to the counter)_   
Four house salads! With oil and vinegar on the side! 

STACY: _(looks around and then gasps)_   
Stretch pants! Everywhere stretch pants! And I am wearing stretch pants! 

_Before Stacy starts to hyperventilated. Sandi gives her a slap in the face._

STACY: _(normal voice)_   
Thank you. _(but then she looks around again and gasps) _Eww, sandals! Everywhere sandals! And I am wearing sandals! 

TIFFANY:_ (to Sandi)_   
Maaaaaay I? 

SANDI: _(kindly)_   
Be my guest Tiffany. 

_Just before Stacy can hyperventilate, Tiffany gives her a smack in the face._

STACY: _(normal voice)_   
Thank you Tiffany. 

QUINN:   
It is now my turn? 

STACY:   
… Oh no, I am fine. 

QUINN:   
Just a little bit 

STACY:   
No, no. I am calm now. 

QUINN: _(wining)_   
That is not fair! You let Sandi and Tiffany help you. Why not *me*? Is it that you like me the least? 

STACY: _(gasps)_   
Liking you the least….??? But, but, but. 

_Stacy starts to hyperventilate again and Quinn prepares to strike her, but she accidentally tangles her finger in the One Ring, which she wears as a necklace._   
_Abruptly Quinn vanishes._   
_Sandi, Tiffany and Stacy glance at the empty space where Quinn was standing._   
_Quinn reappears._

QUINN:   
Ewwwwww. Everything went blurry, and I could see everybody's undies. 

STACY: _(gasps)_   
Ewww, undies, everywhere undies. I… 

_Quinn smacks her in the face._

DARIA: _(as cynical as possible from a dark corner of the dinner)_   
Great act, like the 4 Stooges meeting Houdini. 

SANDY:   
Quinn, doesn't she look exactly like your cousin? 

QUINN:   
Ehem no. What do you want, Dar… stranger? 

DARIA:   
A little more caution from you, that is no trinket you carry. 

QUINN:   
That is not a trinket that is a *ring*. 

DARIA: _(rolls her eyes)_   
Indeed! I can avoid being seen if I wish, but to disappear entirely, that is a rare gift. 

_Daria notice that the Fashion Club are ignoring her by leaving her standing alone, while they take place at a restaurant table._

DARIA: _(mutters)_   
A rare gift that was brought to me in huge quantities, when I was lying in my cradle. 

_She walks up to Quinn and drags her into a corner. The remaining Fashion Club doesn't bother._

QUINN:   
Hey! 

DARIA:   
I know what hunts you. 

QUINN:   
Yes, I know. I have to beat them off with a stick. 

DARIA:   
What the TV-Wraiths? 

QUINN:   
No, the boys. 

DARIA:   
NO, the TV-Wraiths, those phantoms who were following you on motorbikes. 

QUINN: _(annoyed)_   
Yes, the *boys*. 

DARIA:_ (demanding)_   
NO! They are the *TV-Wraiths*!   
_(as telling a horror story)_   
There were once brains - which could become great kings of the college.   
But then Principle Li gave to them nine rings of power with ultimate TV access.   
Blinded by their laziness, they took them without question. One by one they have fallen into darkness by watching cable television 24-hours a day.   
Now they are slaves to her will. They have mutated into TV-Wraiths neither living nor dead.   
At all times they feel the presence of the Ring, drawn to the power of the One. They will never stop hunting you.   
…   
Are you frightened? 

QUINN: _(unimpressed)_   
No. 

DARIA:   
Not a little? 

QUINN:   
No 

DARIA:   
Spoilsport… _(she thinks, and then adds)_   
They are part-time puppy-kickers too. 

QUINN:_ (horrified)_   
What? Ewwwwwwwww! 

DARIA: _(smirks)_   
That's better.   
  


EXT. ENGLISH-CLASS-TOWER - DAY   
_DeMartino the Grey walks to the English-Class-Tower to consult with Mr. O'Neill the White, who is expecting him._

O'NIELL:   
DeMartino the Grey! 

DE MARTINO:   
O'Neill the WHITE. I have found *THE* One Ring. We STILL have time. Time enough to encounter the Dark Principle LI. 

O'NIELL:   
Ah yes, arrogant, proud, vain... thuggish. The Dark Principle Li is all of these and worse. And yet, if we tilt our figurative head to the side and squint just so, isn't she also just a little... cuddly? 

DE MARTINO: _(sceptical)_   
Cuddly? 

O'NIELL:   
I mean: What is it about tyrants that makes them so... I don't know, charismatic? 

DE MARTINO:   
What do you want to SAY? 

O'NIELL: _(softly)_   
Against the power of Li, there is no victory.   
We must join with her. We must join with Dark Principal Li.   
It would be wise, "Anthony". 

DE MARTINO:   
Tell me, "Timothy". SINCE when has O'Neill the Reasonable abandoned madness for wisdom? 

O'NEILL:   
Pardon me Anthony. You mean: O'Neill the Wise abandoned reason for madness. 

DE MARTINO:   
I mean… YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! 

O'NEILL:   
Perhaps I should ask if you might wish to be excused for a moment because of the emotionally sensitive nature of this subject. 

DE MARTINO: _(laughing evil)_   
I gave you the chance of aiding me willingly, but you have elected the way of pain! 

_DeMartino uses his magical rod and attacks O'Neill with a sorcery blast. But some how he miscalculated the shockwave, the blast misses O'Neill and DeMartino flies back against the wall, knocking him unconscious._

O'NEILL: _(looking at the unconscious DeMartino)_   
Oh dear, Anthony.   
That is right, you just have a bit of a lie down.   
Yes, get your breath back…   
_(Mr. O'Neill looks at the floor and adds)_   
And your teeth.   


EXT. THE RUINS OF A GREAT WATCHTOWER – NIGHT – FULL MOON   
_The Fashion Club is alone, they are camping._   
_It is a quiet night, but then noises of two motorcycles interrupt the silence. The Fashion Club gasp, when they hear steps nearing them._

_They see 2 repulsive figures, which look like the TV-Wraiths Daria has described._

_Guess who:_

BUTTHEAD:   
Whoa...Beavis look, chicks. 

BEAVIS:   
Heh heh heh. Yeah! Chicks. 

THE FASHIONCLUB: _(terrified)_   
Eep! 

BUTTHEAD:   
Huh Huh. This is it, Beavis. We're finally gonna score! 

BEAVIS:   
Yeah! Heh heh heh! Now we are gonna get some! 

THE FASHIONCLUB: _(horrified)_   
EEP! 

BUTTHEAD:   
Hey! Let's show them our wiener. 

BEAVIS:   
Yeah, heh heh heh. It is sausage-time. 

_But before they can do any visual damage to the Fashion Club._   
_Daria swings into action, wielding her sword as she appears from the darkness blocking the way between the defenceless girls and the two bums from hell._

HEROIC MUSIC STARTS TO PLAY 

DARIA: _(heroically)_   
Back you devils!   
Face me! 

BUTTHEAD: _(unimpressed)_   
Hey! It is Daria! 

MUSIC CUTS DEAD 

BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD: (singing and dancing)   
Diarrheaahhh cha-cha-cha. Diarrheaahhh cha-cha-cha. 

_Daria is now very annoyed, or we should better say: Heavily pissed off._   
_So she takes a torch and set fire to her former classmates Beavis and Butthead._

BEAVIS:   
Ahhhh! Fire, fire, fire. 

BUTTHEAD:   
Huh, huh. 

BEAVIS:   
Yeah, I am so hot. 

BUTTHEAD:   
You are not hot. You are a dumb ass. 

BEAVIS:   
Shut up, you fart-knocker. 

Beavis attacks Butthead. Both are burning and struggling on the floor. 

DARIA:   
_(to the Fashion Club)_   
Okay, let's leave. There are still 7 TV-Wraiths left.   
_(to the readers)_   
I would like to warn all children of all ages, that this is a cartoon. In reality setting fire to people is a very dangerous thing to do. So don't try this at home. 

_The Fashion Club plus Daria runs down a hill._


	5. Part 04: The obligatory DariaTrent shipp...

Lord of the Rings:   
The Fellowship of Quinn.

Part IV:   
The obligatory Daria/Trent shipper bit.   


EXT. HILL – NIGHT – FULL MOON   
_The Fashion Club stumbles, falls and rolls down the hill._

DARIA:_ (quotes)_   
High-heels, deep falls. 

QUINN:   
Ewww, I am dead. I must have spread my ankle. 

SANDI:   
Me too. 

STACY:   
Me too. 

TIFFANY:   
Me toooooo. 

DARIA:   
Gah! Collective ankles-spreading syndrome. Occurring in any action film, which contains bimbos!   
In moments like these a hero should save us in the last minute. 

_In an instant a car pulls up. It is Trent's car._

TRENT: _(looking out the car-window)_   
Hey Daria. 

DARIA: _(surprised)_   
Trent? 

TRENT:   
Just on my way home from the rehearsals… _(glances to the Fashion Club) _Your friends? 

DARIA:   
Please don't use the f-word. 

TRENT:   
Okay. Need a ride? 

DARIA:   
Sure. Why not? Fighting through the night against the forces of evil somehow lost the appeal to me. 

TRENT: _(laugh-cough)_   
Good one Daria. Get in.   


EXT. LANDSCAPE – DAWN   
_Meanwhile the remaining 7 other repulsive figures on motorbikes chase Trent's car._

TRENT VOICE OVER:   
7 Wraiths behind us. Where are the 2 others? 

DARIA VOICE OVER:   
In the digestive system of worms. 

TRENT VOICE OVER: (impressed)   
Uh-huh.   


EXT. LANDSCAPE – RIVER – MORNING   
_The car-chase continues to a river. The stream has so little water so Trent is able to drive through it._   
_Once on the other side, Trent stops the car._   


INT. TRENT'S CAR – MORNING 

TRENT: _(he pulls out a cell phone)_   
Let me handle this. 

_He dials a number and speaks into the phone._

TRENT:   
Hey… It is Trent… you remember that you still own me a favour… yes, I just want that you put in a commercial break now… Yeah… Okay, bye then. 

_The Fashion Club and Daria see out the window how the motorcycles drive towards them._   
_But in the middle of the river, TV-Wraiths hear a noise; they stop, wondering what it is._   
_The noise becomes louder until they see a huge tide, which flushes them away._

TRENT:   
I now a guy, who is working for a cable company. He has owned me a favour. 

DARIA: _(confused)_   
Huh? And you ask for a commercial break? 

TRENT:   
Well, during a break the viewers go for a pee… 

DARIA: _(concludes)_   
And then they all flush the toilet at the same time. 

TRENT:   
Exactly. 

_Daria gives Trent a Mona-Lisa-smile. He wasn't such a lazy slacker after all._   
_Of course the whole romantic ambiance was ruined by having the Fashion Club on the backseat._

SANDI: _(addressing to Trent)_   
Excuse me: Mister, who knows that girl who looks like Quinn's cousin, but who isn't really Quinn's cousin.   
Could you kindly drive us to the next gas station? 

STACY:   
Yes. Sandi needs to go to the ladies room. 

_Sandi gives Stacy a look with which you can kill._

STACY: _(wimps under Sandi's glare)_   
Eep! And me too.   


EXT. CASA LANE - EVENING   
_The place lies idyllically in a canyon. It looks like an artist resort, consisting of several building, which look like variations of the original House of the Lanes._   
  


INT. JAKE'S BEDROOM - GUEST HOUSE OF THE LANES - EVENING   
_Jake and Quinn are alone. She sits on the bed, while Jake is trying to pull something out of his pants._

JAKE:   
I want to give you my old trusty sword. 

_Quinn looks at Jake in total disgusted horror._   
_But then she sees how Jake pulls a metal sword out._

QUINN:   
Oh! Oh! Oh, yes, yes of course. Aha, that kind of sword… I mean… Thank you for this gift. 

JAKE: _(gives her another present)_   
And here is a pretty thing, Quinn: Mithril. As light as a feather, and as hard as dragon-scales. 

QUINN: _(sceptic)_   
You don't expect me to wear *that* colour in autumn. 

_Jake takes a glimpse at the One Ring, which Quinn has attached to herself as a necklace._

JAKE:   
Oh, my old ring. Can I hold it for a last time? 

QUINN:   
Sure. 

_Jake takes the ring, becomes all frizzy and starts barking_

JAKE:   
GIVE IT TO ME! ... IT'S MINE... MY OWN... MY PRECIOUS! 

_He jumps on her and tries to pull the One Ring from her neck, while doing that, he is moving up and down on top of Quinn._

JAKE:   
GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT TO ME! 

QUINN:   
EWW! EWW! EWW! EWW! EWW! EWW! EWW! EWW! 

_In that moment the door opens and the rest of the Fashion Club, who are carrying olive oil, enters._   
_Finding them in that very, very compromising position._

STACY:_ (disgusted)_   
EWWWWWWW. 

TIFFANY:   
EWWWWW… Aren't they related? 

SANDI: _(disgusted)_   
EWWWWWWW. Quinn, what your family needs, is some serious counselling. 

_Totally ashamed Jake gets off Quinn. He starts to sob._

JAKE:   
I am sorry that I have brought this upon you, kiddo. And I am sorry that... you must bear this burden. I am sorry for everything! 

QUINN: _(she puts her hand on his shoulder)_   
Never mind. Calm down. Everything is forgotten and forgiven. 

JAKE: _(stops sobbing)_   
Really? 

QUINN: _(smiling)_   
Of course!   
By the way can you give me some money for new shoes, which would fit to the Mithril? 

JAKE: _(he gets out his wallet)_   
Sure kiddo.   


INT. BALCONY – MAIN HOUSE OF THE LANES - EVENING   
_There is a little cocktail party for several delegates of the people of Lawndale Earth._   
_Among them are Lanes, Brains and Sportjocks. In their middle is DeMartino, who is just finishing a story._

DEMARTINO:   
…and *SO* I escaped.   
_(noticing that nobody had listen to his story)_   
IS THERE ANYONE LISTENING TO ME? 

DARIA: _(passing by)_   
I think you should have got used to it, I did. 

_DeMartino walks up to the grand dame of the Casa Lane: Amanda._

AMANDA:   
The time of the Lanes is over. We are moving to the west. Who will you look to, when we are gone?   
The sport-jocks? 

DEMARTINO:   
It is Brains we have to BLESS our hope. 

AMANDA:   
The Brains? The Brains are weak. I was there the day the strength of the Brains failed.   
I was there 3000 years ago. 

DEMARTINO:   
3000 years!?? 

AMANDA:   
Well actually it was in the 70's, but it seems like ages to me. 

BEGIN FLASHBACK 

INT. GREAT STRAWBERRY VOLCANO   
_Amy and Amanda (younger, and wearing seventies-style flares) are standing on a cliff, beneath them is molten lava. Amy holds the ring._

AMANDA:   
Cast it in. Destroy it! 

AMY: _(staring manically at the One Ring)_   
Uhm well… Hey, look it's Sonny and Cher! 

_She points at a wall. Amanda turns to that direction._

AMANDA: _(excited)_   
Where? Where? 

_Amanda turns back to Amy and sees how she is running out the volcano with the One Ring._

AMANDA: _(shouts)_   
AMY! 

END FLASHBACK 

AMANDA:   
It should have ended that day but evil was allowed to endure. 

DEMARTINO:   
Yes, these darn flares are now AGAIN in fashion.   
Amanda, why didn't you just TRACK her down? Beat the One Ring out of her. And throw it IN yourself? 

AMANDA:   
You know, if you try to hold a butterfly tightly in your hand, it will die. You have to let it go. And if it comes back, it is truly yours, but if doesn't, it never really was. 

DEMARTINO:   
SO it is the BRAINS we have to bless our hope. 

AMANDA:   
There is no strength left in the world of Brains. They are scattered, divided, leaderless. 

DEMARTINO:   
There is ONE, who can unite them. ONE who could reclaim the throne of the College. 

AMANDA:   
But she has turn from that path a long time ago and has chosen exile. She hid for some years in a refrigerator box. 

CUT TO CLOSE-UP OF DARIA 

INT. HUGE BOX – EVENING   
_Daria sits in the box and reads a book; she gets interrupted by Trent who opens the top of the box._

TRENT:   
Hey Daria. 

DARIA: _(surprised)_   
Trent? 

TRENT:   
Want to go for walk in the garden with me? 

DARIA VOICE OVER:   
Pass me a guitar string, so I can kill myself first. 

DARIA:   
Uh-huh. 

EXT. GARDEN OF THE CASA LANE – NIGHT   
_Romantic setting with Daria and Trent, who are standing on a little bridge, beneath them a small river, upon them clear sky full of moonlight._   
_Astonishingly inoffensive "Enya"-music is heard._

TRENT:   
Do you remember when we first met? 

DARIA VOICE OVER:   
I thought I had strayed into a dream. 

DARIA:   
Yeah. 

TRENT:   
Long years have passed. You did not have the cares you carry now.   
You are Amy's heir, not Amy herself. 

DARIA VOICE OVER:   
But the same blood flows in my veins. The same weakness. 

DARIA:   
Yeah. 

TRENT:   
Your time will come. You will face the same evil, and you will defeat it. 

_He caresses Daria's head. She starts to blush slowly while his hands run through her hair._

TRENT:   
Do you remember, what I promised to you at that concert? 

DARIA VOICE OVER:   
You said you would bind yourself to me, forsaking a slacker life... but you were totally drunk then. 

DARIA:   
Yeah. 

TRENT:   
I know that I was totally drunk then. But now I am sober now. And I want to say you this:   
I still hold to that:   
I would rather share one lifetime with you than face all the ages of this world alone. 

_Trent takes of his medallion and puts it in Daria's hand_

DARIA: _(blushes more)_   
You can't give me that. 

TRENT:   
It is my decision who I give it to…like my hearth… hey, that is a good song-text.   
_(into Daria's eyes)_   
I choose a solid life. I go steady with you and follow you to College. 

_Daria's knees just went soft._   
_Trent put his arms around Daria and leans over to her, pressing his lips…_   
_Jane walks into them._

JANE:   
Whoops! Didn't mean to interrupt. 

_Trent let go of Daria._

TRENT:   
No, that is okay.   
_(towards Daria)_   
See you later, Daria. 

_He leaves them._

JANE:   
You must admit that you are very attached to him, since the first time you met him. 

DARIA:   
Shut up. 

JANE:   
If I recall correctly it was that day you accidentally walked into the bathroom, when he was just coming out from the shower. 

DARIA: _(getting red)_   
Go to hell, Jane. 

JANE:   
Sorry for interfering previously, but see it from the bright side: 

DARIA: _(still red)_   
Huh? 

JANE:   
When you evaluate Trent's last sentence, then there is a good chance, that he will pay a nightly visit to a certain girl with a red face 

DARIA: _(getting dark red and runs away)_   
Aaahhhh! 


	6. Part 05: The Fellowship of Quinn

Lord of the Rings:   
The Fellowship of Quinn.

Part V:   
The Fellowship of Quinn.   


EXT. PATION SECTION OF THE CASA LANE – MORNING   
_Several delegates of the people of Lawndale Earth are sitting in a circle: Brittany, Daria, DeMartino, Jane, Jodie, Kevin, Quinn are among them. This council is under the supervision of Amanda._

AMANDA:   
The ring has been found. This peril belongs to all whole Lawndale Earth.   
I have summoned this council to answer the threat of Ms. Li.   
Bring forth the Ring Quinn. 

_Quinn places the Ring on a table.___

_All gasp._

COUNCIL MEMBER ROBERT VOICE OVER:   
The One Ring! 

COUNCIL MEMBER KAREN VOICE OVER:   
The doom of men! 

BRITTANY:   
Eep! 

JODIE: _(smiles)_   
Yes!   
It is a gift!   
Not like that gift my father bought himself after hitting the big figures with his folding cup.   
No, it is a gift to the foes of Ms. Li!   
Why not use this ring? Long has my father, the Fundraiser of the College, kept the forces of Principle Li at bay.   
By the blood of *OUR* people are your lands kept safe! 

_All stare at her, after she spoken out the last sentence._

JODIE: _(to the readers)_   
Yes I know.   
The role of Tolkien's Boromir played by an Afro-American, gives the text a new intriguing metaphor. 

DARIA: _(to the readers)_   
Actually we can refer this, as a mild form of Blaxploitation in the fantasy genre. 

JODIE: _(back to the council)_   
Give Landon the weapon of the enemy. Let us use it against her! 

DARIA:   
You cannot wield it. None of us can. The One Ring answers to Ms. Li alone. It has no other master. 

JODIE:   
And what would a mere Ranger know of this matter? 

JANE:   
This is no mere Ranger! This is Daria, Daughter of Barksdale. You owe her your allegiance… 

DARIA: _(modest)_   
Yes, thank you Jane. 

JANE:   
… by overthrowing the monarchy and form an anarcho-syndicalist commune.   
Viva la revolution! 

DARIA:   
Hey. Shut up, or I will show you how violence inherent the system. 

JANE:   
Destroy that self-perpetuating autocracy which represses the working classes! 

DARIA:   
Working classes? When did you ever belong to a working class? 

JODIE: _(interrupting)_   
As Jane said: The College has no king, and the College needs no queen. 

BRITTANY:   
No King or Queen? Then how do you play then chess? 

JANE: _(astonish)_   
You know chess? 

AMANDA:   
Daria is right, it cannot be used. There is only one choice. The Ring must be destroyed. 

BRITTANY: _(to Kevin)_   
Well what we are waiting for? My little Kevy-whammy? 

KEVIN:   
Okey-dokey, Babe! 

_He stands up and puts on his football helmed. He strikes the ring on the table with his head._   
_But the helmet breaks apart and Kevin lies on the floor._

AMANDA:   
The Ring cannot be destroyed, Brittany, daughter of Taylor, by any craft that we here possess. 

BRITTANY:   
Are you sure? 

JANE:   
Uhm, no. I think Kevin should try it again. 

KEVIN:   
Okey-dokey. 

_He stands up and put on an other football helmed. And strikes the ring again with his head._   
_As before the helmets breaks apart and Kevin lies on the floor again._

JANE:   
Three times lucky? 

_Before Kevin tries to stand up again. Amanda interrupts._

AMANDA:   
The Ring was made in the fires of the Great Strawberry Volcano. Only there can it be unmade. It must be cast back deep into the fiery chasm from whence it came. One of you must do this. 

JODIE:   
One does not simply walk into Ms Li realms. Its black gates are guarded by more than just surveillance-cameras. There is evil there that does not sleep, and a satellite uplink is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire and ash and dust, the very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. 

DARIA:_ (deadpan)_   
Sounds like a place for my holidays. 

JODIE: _(adding)_   
Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly. 

JANE:   
And yet Bush has invaded Iraq…   
I mean, we just have to form a commando, go there, throw it into the Volcano and everything is cock-a-hoop again. So, let's get packing. 

BRITTANY:   
And you think you are the one who will do that!   
I will be seen in flared trousers, before I see the Ring in the hands of a Lane!   
Never trust a Lane, I have dated once one! 

JANE:   
Excuse me, but even Lanes have *standards*. 

_The whole council stand up and start to argue with each other._

DEMARTINO:   
While you start bickering around, Ms Li power grows. 

COUNCIL MEMBER ROBERT:   
No one can escape! 

COUNCIL MEMBER KAREN:   
Everything gets destroyed! 

BRITTANY: _(to Kevin)_   
I mean, I have dated a Lane *before* I met you Kevy. 

_Quinn stand up._

QUINN: _(shouts)_   
I WILL TAKE THE RING! 

_All shut up and look at her._

QUINN:   
I have got this idea: We put it in an envelope. And send the Ring with Fed-Ex to the volcano and ask him if he can throw it in. 

DARIA: _(suffering from the naivety)_   
I have got a better idea. You can send yourself direct into the volcano. 

AMANDA:   
No wait, this Fashion Clubber shows a resilience to its evil. 

DARIA:   
Great deal! This Fashion Clubber shows even a resilience to common sense. 

DEMARTINO:   
That is why she is the RING-BEARER!   
QUINN! I will help you bear this burden, as long it is yours to bear. 

QUINN: _(confused)_   
Teddy bear? 

DARIA:   
By my life and your death, I will protect myself on this task. You have my sword… 

JANE:   
Yo… and you can carry my bow and my CD-collection. 

BRITTANY:   
…And my shiny dingy. 

JODIE:   
Axe. 

BRITTANY:   
But isn't that a deodorant for men? 

QUINN:   
Hey can I have that cute bunny backpack of yours? 

BRITTANY:   
Uhm, no! Fluffy stays with me. 

JODIE:   
You carry the fate of us all little one. 

QUINN: _(protesting)_   
I am not little. I am 16 a half. 

STACY: _(shouts)_   
Hey! Quinn is not going anywhere without us. 

_Stacy, Tiffany and Sandi walk into the council._

SANDI   
Excuse me Stacy, but you mean: Quinn is not going anywhere without *you*. 

TIFFANY:   
Wheeeeeere are they going? 

STACY:   
But Sandi, you need people of intelligence on this sort of... assignment, expedition, journey, trip, operation, task, job, chore, duty, pursuit, goal, aim, quest, search, hunt, adventure, voyage, trek, travel, odyssey, venture, crusade, mission... quest... thing. 

SANDI:_ (flattered)_   
People of intelligence? Well then, that rules me in … and of course Tiffany. 

TIFFANY:   
Great! Wheeeeeere are we going? 

AMANDA:   
…6,7,8,9 companions!   
Then so be it! Together you form the Fellowship of the Quinn. 

DARIA:   
The Fellowship of Quinn? With Fashion Clubbers? We are doomed! You can rule me out. 

JANE:   
Come on Daria, you have always had a weakness for lost causes, once they are really lost. 

DARIA:   
You have spoken well: Rhett Butler. 

JANE:   
That is why you have chosen Trent. 

DARIA:   
Shut up! 

JANE:   
Why so moody? Didn't he visit you last night? 

DARIA: _(highly embarrassed)_   
… Go to hell Jane! Go to hell!   


SOME DAYS LATER   


EXT. GREAT LANDSCAPE – HILL - DAY   
_The landscape of course doesn't look like Tolkien's Middle Earth but like Peter Jackson's New Zealand._   
_Heroically the Fellowship climbs a hill.___

_Lead by DeMartino the Grey, Jane the Lane, Brittany the Cheerleader, the Fashion Club, a pony named Bill and Jodie, president of the French Club, vice president of Student Council, editor of yearbook and member of the tennis team._   
_They are followed by Daria, daughter of Barksdale. Who is behind and glaring at them._

DARIA: _(mutters angrily)_   
Maybe, if I hand you guys over to Ms. Li, she will spare me.   
_(evil smirk)_   
MOVE IT, SUCKERS! 

JODIE:   
What did you say? 

DARIA:   
Only daydreaming.   


SOME DAYS LATER   


EXT. GREAT LANDSCAPE – SNOWY MOUNTAIN - DAY   
_Quinn slips on ice, falls and loses the Ring._

JODIE:_ (holding the ring Quinn has lost, slightly manic she looks at it)_   
It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing. Such a little thing. 

QUINN:   
For your information, Claude said that my bosom is perfect. 

JODIE: _(like waking up from a trance)_   
Quinn, I was talking about the ring. 

QUINN:   
Oh sorry. Ehem, just forget what I said. 

_Daria joins Jodie._

DARIA:   
Didn't you meant her brain? 

_Quinn gets up. While Daria and Jodie smirk._   


SOME DAYS LATER   


EXT. GREAT LANDSCAPE – VALLEY - EVENING   
_The Fellowship is walking parallel to a river. Note that Bill the pony is no more with them._

STACY:   
By the way, what happened to the pony Bill that we had in the beginning of our journey? 

JANE:   
Pony Bill? Well, what do you think we have been eating for the last four days? 

THE WHOLE FASHION CLUB PLUS BRITTANY: _(turning pale)_   
EWWWWWW! 

JODIE:   
Sorry, but we ran out of supplies. 

JANE:   
Don't take it so hard. 

DARIA:   
And wishing won't make him come back. 

_The whole Fashion Club plus Brittany get very sick and run off into the bushes._

DEMARTINO:   
Well, I won't be so SURE about that. 

DARIA:   
Well at least, we wont have any stupid Pony Bill spin-offs fanfiction like in the real Lord of the Rings. 

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_   
_PONY BILL IS FINE._   
_HE AND OTHER ANIMALS WEREN'T HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS FANFICTION._   
_…_   
_(EXCEPT BEAVIS)_


	7. Part 06: In the Caves of the Great Footb

Lord of the Rings:   
The Fellowship of Quinn.

Part VI:   
In the Caves of the Great Football Stadium.   


SOME DAYS LATER   


INT. CAVES OF THE GREAT FOOTBALLSTADIUM   
_The Fellowship is walking through the deserted halls._

BRITTANY:   
_Behold the great realm and city of the Lawndale Lions. Soon, you will enjoy our fabled hospitality!_   
_Roaring music, malt beer, pizza from the box!_

DARIA:   
Brittany, you are reading too much Shakespeare. 

JODIE:   
Something is wrong, this place seems abandoned. 

JANE:   
Maybe today is Superball. 

_The Fellowship stops in front the Lawndale Lions changing room. The door is broken up. DeMartino steps in followed by the Fellowship minus Brittany._

BRITTANY: _(protesting)_   
Hey! That is the men's dressing room. Have some consideration for male modesty, please! Only guys are allowed to enter that sacred place: And those are players, trainers, doctors, technicians, reporters, water-boys, cheerleaders… Eep! I mean… 

_She follows them inside._   


INT. THE LAWNDALE LIONS CHANGING ROOM   
_Brittany enters and finds the Fellowship examining piles of skeletons._

BRITTANY:   
Eep! 

_Sorrowful the Fellowship looks around at the gloomy environment._   
_Everybody is mute._   
_DeMartino find a dead body holding a diary, he opens it and starts to read it._

JODIE: _(severe)_   
What does it say? 

DEMARTINO: _(reading out loud in a grave voice the last page)_   
"It has taken the bridge and the second hall.   
We have barred the gates, with those bar thingies, but cannot hold on for long.   
The ground shakes.   
Drum noises from drums in the deep.   
We cannot get out.   
A shadow moves in the dark.   
We cannot get out.   
It is coming:   
It is the Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh..." 

JODIE:   
What? 

DEMARTINO:   
"The Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh..." 

QUINN:   
What's that? 

DARIA: _(sarcastic)_   
He must have *died* while writing it. 

TIFFANY:   
Of coooooourse. 

BRITTANY:   
Oh, come on. 

DEMARTINO:   
THAT is what it says. 

JANE:   
Yes and it is also hard to believe that sportsjocks can write. 

BRITTANY: _(insulted)_   
Hey! 

JODIE: _(pacifying)_   
But if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to write "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh".   
He would just say it. 

JANE:   
Well, he was a sportjock! 

BRITTANY: _(more insulted)_   
HEY! 

DEMARTINO:   
It is there written ON the page. 

STACY:   
Perhaps he was dictating. 

SANDI:   
Shhhht, Stacy!   
Is that *all* it says? 

DEMARTINO:   
That is all: "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh". 

SANDI:   
"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh"? 

TIFFANY:   
"Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhh"?? 

QUINN:   
"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh"??? 

DARIA:   
Try to remember Quinn; maybe you have dated once a guy with such a name. 

QUINN: _(scowls at Daria)_   
Eww! 

STACY:   
"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh"???? 

JODIE:   
"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh"????? 

JANE:   
Hey, this is fun-activity: "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh ... " 

BRITTANY:   
Oooooh! 

DEMARTINO:   
No "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh ... " at the BACK of the throat. 

BRITTANY:   
No! "Oooooh!". Like a surprise! 

JODIE: _(in an amazed tone)_   
Oh, you mean: "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh"! 

SANDI:   
"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh"!! 

TIFFANY:   
"Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhh"!!! 

STACY:   
"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh"!!!! 

QUINN:   
"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh"!!!!!! 

JANE: _(grinning at Daria, who is just about to get an headache)_   
"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh"!!!!!!! 

MONSTER VOICE OVER: _(very frightening roar)_   
AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

THE WHOLE FELLOWSHIP: _(frightened)_   
EEP! 

_They all turn and look at the entrance of the locker room._   
_A huge scorpion-like shadow moves towards them._

JODIE:   
What is this new devilry? 

BRITTANY:   
Huh? 

JODIE:   
What the f**k is that? 

QUINN:   
*Ohmigawd*! It is the scorpion king. 

DEMARTINO:   
No, that is THE Legendary Scorpion Beast of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh! It is a DJ!   
A demon of the light entertainment industry. This foe is beyond any of you. RUN! 

_DeMartino runs out an other entrance, he followed by the Fashion Club._

BRITTANY:_ (pulling out her axe)_   
Wait, let him come. There is one cheerleader yet in the Stadium who still draws breath. 

DARIA:   
What did I told you about Shakespeare, Brittany? Just follow with us the DeMartino-shaped blur. 

_Daria and Jodie run away too._

JANE:   
Besides, it doesn't suit your personality. 

_Jane runs away. Brittany follows her._

BRITTANY   
What do you mean by *that*?   


INT. CAVES OF THE GREAT FOOTBALLSTADIUM   
_The Fellowship keeps on running until they come to a bridge, which crosses a bottomless abyss._   
_DeMartino halts and gestures the others over the bridge._

DEMARTINO:   
Fly you fools! Over the bridge. Fly! 

QUINN:   
A Fly? Eww, where is the insect spray? 

DARIA:   
No, he meant your fly is undone. 

QUINN: _(she runs faster)_   
Ewww. 

EXT. BRIDGE   
_All make it safely over the bridge. Except DeMartino who stands now in the middle of the structure._   
_He uses his magical rod to form a force field._

DE MARTINO:   
Hey, Rock 'n Roll Randy, this year you are mine! 

THE FASHION CLUB:   
*This* year? 

BRITTANY:   
So the legend is true. Mr. DeMartino did fight the DJ Rock'n Roll Randy last year and suffered from a heart attack. 

JODIE:   
Yes, he had to have an emergency angioplasty. He almost died. 

JANE:   
But a voice told him that his work here on Lawndale Earth wasn't finished.   
Some of the free people weren't wetting the bed yet. And this year he is more determined than ever to snatch victory from the jaws of death. 

_The remaining Fellowship is looking at the monumental fight, which is about to unfold._

_The demon steps out the darkness. He holds a whip as a weapon._   
_It looks like the Alter-Ego of Rock'n Roll Randy as half-man half-scorpion which you can spot in the closing credits of a certain Daria-episode. (If you are lucky enough, that the network bothers to screen it.)_

DE MARTINO:   
YOU CANNOT PASS!   
I am a TEACHER of the Secret History, WIELDER of the Flame in AOL.   
The dark flame shall NOT avail you!   
Wave of Z-93 go back to the Shadows!   
YOU shall not PASS!!! 

_DeMartino uses his magical rod to attacks him with a sorcery blast. But Rock 'n Roll Randy hits the blast with his whip away._

DE MARTINO:   
Come on! Take your punishment like a MAN! 

ROCK'N ROLL RANDY: _(grins)_   
I am not a man, dude, I am a rocker! 

DE MARTINO: _(aggressive)_   
Why you... 

_He uses his magical rod to blast a hole in the bridge under Rock 'n Roll Randy. The structure collapse and the demon fall into the depth._

DE MARTINO: _(victorious)_   
Where's your ROCK 'N ROLL power now! 

_While falling, Rock 'n Roll Randy swing his whip and whacks DeMartino's leg. He falls into the void too._

DE MARTINO:   
Aarghh! 

ROCK'N ROLL RANDY: _(while falling)_   
Wahoo! Rock 'n Roll power foreverrrrrrr…………. 

DE MARTINO: _(while falling)_   
My kneeeeeee…………. 

_The rest of the Fellowship look how those two descend into the abyss._

DARIA:   
Well, same time next year. 

_Money is changing hands and the Fellowship walks to the exit._


	8. Part 07: Jesse gotta Ring

Lord of the Rings:   
The Fellowship of Quinn.

Part VII:   
Jesse gotta Ring 

INT. ENGLISH-CLASS-TOWER - NIGHT   
_Mr. O'Neill is alone with a creature, which is the horror of every decent Dariafan. He starts a dialog with him._

O'NEILL:   
Do you know how Mary Sues first came into being?   
Once they were new introduced characters. Original, interesting assets to the main cast, but they were taken by the egos of their creators.   
Dark powers, tortured and mutilated. A ruined and terrible form of life.   
But now... perfected by the Master of the Lawndale Universe himself: The Almighty Glenn Eichler.   
My fighting Mary Sue.   
What is your name? 

CREATURE:   
Tom Sloane. 

O'NEILL:   
Whom do you serve? 

TOM:   
O'Neill the White. 

O'NEILL:   
Now Tom, there are Fashion Clubbers who have something, which is of great value to our cause. Bring them to me alive and unspoiled. 

EXT. ENGLISH-CLASS-TOWER - NIGHT   
_O'Neill is standing now in front of a huge army of about 200 Mary Sues._   
_It consists the most awful Daria-Mary Sues who were ever created in the world of Daria fanfiction._   
_Their leader Tom Sloane, in full battle gear, is standing in front of them, while O'Neill holds speech._   
  
O'NEILL:   
Hunt them down! Do not stop until they are found!   
You do not know pain.   
You do not know fear.   
You are Mary Sues!   
You will always have the last line. 

TOM AND THE MARY SUES:_ (battle cry)_   
Yeah!   


EXT. FORREST OF MORENO – EVENING   
_The Fellowship stumbles trough a shrubbery. They are lead by Brittany._

BRITTANY:   
Beware! This is the woods of Moreno. Here lives a great sorcerer of terrible power, who ever sees him falls under his spell. And he never wears a T-shirt. 

JANE: _(eager)_   
No T-shirt? I hope he works out. 

BRITTANY:   
Well here is one cheerleader, he won't ensnare so easily. I have the eyes of a hawk, the ears of a fox and… 

_Suddenly the Fellowship is surrounded by a dozen bowmen pointing with arrows at their heads._

BRITTANY: _(she makes a leap)_   
Eep! 

JANE: _(adds)_   
And legs like a rabbit. 

BOWMAN #1   
You have come to the realms of the master of the wood: Jesse. He was expecting you.   


EXT. YARD OF THE TREEPALAST OF MORENO – NIGHT   
_Jesse and Quinn are alone._

QUINN:   
The Fellowship has failed and is breaking up now. And worst, we ran out of lip-gloss. 

JESSE:   
Hmm? 

QUINN:   
I mean the best thing is, when I got rid of this stupid Ring. 

JESSE:   
Hmm? 

QUINN: _(twirls her hair, flirting with him)_   
I mean, since you are so a powerful *mighty* sorcerer, you can deal with this Ring, without taking over the world and stuff. 

JESSE:   
Hmm? 

QUINN:   
So I will offer it to you freely, then I can be back home in time for Buffy.   
I will give you the One Ring. 

_Quinn hands it over to Jesse_

JESSE:   
Cool. 

_Jesse is about to take the ring, but then he transforms into a frightening creature of light._   
_Beautiful and terrible as the morning!_   
_Treacherous as the sea!_   
_Stronger than the foundations of the earth!_   
_Over shining the stars above him!_

JESSE: _(very evil)_   
COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL! 

_But then Jesse reluctantly takes his hand away from the ring. He transmogrifies back to his old self._

JESSE:_ (calms down and smiles)_   
Cool.   
I pass the test. Luckily I have flunked. 

QUINN:   
What does that mean? 

JESSE:   
I will go on tour in the west and remain rhythm guitarist. I don't need a solo carrier. 

QUINN:   
Eww, and what about me? I cannot do it alone. 

JESSE:   
You are a Ring-bearer, Quinn. To bear a Ring of Power is to *be* alone. This task was appointed to you, and if you do not find a way, no one will. 

QUINN:   
Eww! 

JESSE:   
For the time would soon come when Fashion Clubbers like you would shape the fortunes of us all. Even the smallest person can change the course of the future. 

QUINN:   
EWWWW! Why everybody thinks I am *small*!   


A FEW DAYS LATER   


EXT. GREAT STREAM – DAY   
_The Fellowship is rowing in 3 little boats gently down the stream._

DARIA: _(singing)_   
Row, row, row your boat. 

_She smirks because this song is annoying especially Quinn._

_Before them are two huge statues, one on each side of the stream. They come in reach._

BRITTANY:   
Eep! 

JODIE: _(amazed)_   
The 2 Queens! 

JANE:   
Hey, Daria your ancestors! 

_The statues are modelled after the 2 great Queens of a lost glorious past._

DARIA:_ (impressed)_   
Long have I desire to look upon the ancestors of my family. 

_The Fellowship looks up and notices that both queens have very firm, large, wonderful shaped, perfect boobs._   
_They are that kind of boobies Lara Croft, Seven of Nine, Wonderwomen and other heroines of popular culture have. Which, of course, are designed to make men drool and women to feel inadequate equipped._

_Puzzled the Fellowship turns around to Daria, who zipping up her jacket. So nobody can compare her bust size, with those of the statues._

JANE:   
Maybe you were changed at birth. 

_Daria glares at her._   


CUT TO A CLOSE-UP OF THE TWO STATUES   


STACY VOICE OVER: _(gasps)_   
Eww, sandals! They are wearing sandals! And I am wearing… 

_The sound of a slap can be heard._


	9. Part 08: Mary Sue Slaughter Feast

Lord of the Rings:   
The Fellowship of Quinn.

Part VIII:   
Mary Sue Slaughter Feast   


SOME HOURS LATER   


EXT. BAY IN FRONT OF A WATERFALL – DAY   
_On the western shore of the bay the Fellowship left their boats and put up a little camp._   


EXT. WESTERN SHORE OF THE BAY IN FRONT OF A WATERFALL – DAY   
_The Fellowship, minus Quinn and Jodie, is resting. Some of them are looking for firewood._

JANE: _(cautious)_   
Something draws near. I can feel it. We cannot linger… 

DARIA: _(sneaking up from behind)_   
*BOO*! 

_Jane nearly frightens and scowls at a smirking Daria._

BRITTANY:   
Where is Quinn? 

TIFFANY:   
Collecting firewooooood. 

SANDI: _(suspicious)_   
Where is Jodie? 

STACY:   
Collecting firewoo… Eep! 

DARIA:   
So they are both *alone* in the forest. 

SANDI, TIFFANY AND STACY:_ (looking at each other)_   
Ewwww!   


EXT. FORREST – DAY   
_Jodie is struggling on top of Quinn in a very, very, very compromising position, which I won't describe in detail, since this story is PG-13. The only hint is, that it has got something to do with the numbers 6 and 9._

JODIE: _(manic)_   
It should be mine. Give it to me! 

QUINN:   
Eww! 

JODIE: _(manic)_   
I ask only for the strength to defend *my* people. 

QUINN:   
EWWW! You are doing that Blaxploitation thingy again. 

JODIE:   
Give me the Ring! 

QUINN:   
EWWWW! 

_Quinn puts on the Ring and vanishes._

_Jodie startles._   
_It takes some time, before she realizes what she has done._

JODIE: _(ashamed of herself)_   
No, not *me*. I am the perfect African-American teen. The role model for all of the other African-American teens at Lawndale.   
Quinn… QUINN!   
_(feeling awful)_   
What have I done?   
Quinn, I am sorry! 

EXT. RUINS ON TOP OF A HILL – DAY   
_On the hill are some walls and statues left from big city, hundred of years ago._

JODIE VOICE OVER:   
Quinn, I am sorry! 

_Quinn takes off the Ring and reappears._

_She sees Daria who is just walking into her direction._

QUINN:   
Ewww. 

_Quinn is about to put on the Ring again._

DARIA: _(deadpan)_   
Carry on Houdini! But seeing me in my string-tanga is not a pleasure… 

QUINN: _(closing her eyes and putting the Ring away)_   
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww. 

DARIA:   
Where is Jodie? 

QUINN:   
She just got nuts. She wanted the Ring… Stay away Daria! 

DARIA:   
Why? I swore to protect myself. 

QUINN: _(she takes the Ring out and holds it under Daria's nose)_   
Can you protect me from you?   
Would you destroy it? 

_Daria stares at the Ring._

THE RING VOICE OVER:   
Daria… Daria… Daria… 

_She stares at it, and let herself surrender to the suggestion, but then…_

DARIA: _(mutters)_   
……Trent…… 

_She wakes up from the trance and closes Quinn's hand around the Ring._

DARIA:   
I would have gone with you to the end, into the very fires of the Volcano… I mean… I do everything to get rid of this Ring even if I have to throw you with it into molten lava. 

_Quinn smiles at her, knowing she didn't mean it like that._

QUINN:   
I know.   
Look after the others, especial Stacy. 

DARIA:   
Of course, I can use a punching bag. 

QUINN:   
So what happens next? 

DARIA:   
Well, we are going to be attack very soon by a bunch of awful Mary Sues. 

_Quinn and Daria see a huge horde of Mary Sues with nice shiny weapons gathering around them._

QUINN:   
Eep! 

DARIA:   
Go Quinn! Run! 

_Daria pull out her sword and faces the army._

DARIA: _(brave)_   
Come and get some from the true main character. 

_Daria attacks them. She stabs off loads and loads of Mary Sues. Soon she gets company by Jane who shoots with her bow arrows into masses and masses of Mary Sues. Finally Brittany joins in, who paints the forest floor blood red with chopping Mary Sues with a nice sharp axe into handy pieces._

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_   
_DO NOT BE ALARMED NOW, WHEN YOU GET A WARM GENTLE FEELING INSIDE OF YOU, WHILE IMAGINING THE BRUTAL SLAUGHTER OF THOSE MARY SUES. IT IS SOMETHING TOTALLY NATURAL AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE ASHAMED ABOUT IT._   


MEANWHILE 

EXT. FORREST – DAY   
_Tom leads a troop, which are hunting the fugitive Quinn._

TOM:   
Find the Fashion Clubber! 

_Soon Tiffany and Stacy join Quinn._

QUINN:   
Eww! Don't join me! We have to split up. So it is difficult to capture *me*… I mean *us*. 

STACY AND TIFFANY:   
Sorry Quinn. 

_Both run away from Quinn… direct into the arms of some Mary Sues._

STACY:   
Hey Quinn. It is not working 

QUINN VOICE OVER:   
I know it is not working! 

TIFFANY:   
Eeeeeeeeep! 

_Just before the Mary Sues can grab Stacy and Tiffany._   
_Jodie swings into action and saves them by slicing up so much Mary Sues she can, but there are too much. She blows a horn to call for help._

JODIE:   
Why have I forgotten my mobile? 

_Although Quinn manages to flee, Stacy and Tiffany get taken away by the hordes of evil._   


EXT. RUINS ON TOP OF A HILL – DAY   
_Still fighting, Daria hears a sound._

DARIA:   
The horn of Landon! 

_She runs down the hill while Jane and Brittany are still fighting._   


EXT. FORREST – DAY   
_Huge piles of dead Mary Sues lie around. They were killed recently by Jodie. But now she lies heavily wounded on the floor._   
_Above her is a Daria-look-alike-Mary-Sue who was left behind, to finish her off with a bow and an arrow._

JODIE   
The irony: Killed by a look-a-like of someone, I sometimes want to be like. 

_Just before the Daria-look-alike-Mary-Sue can fire, she gets pushed over by Daria._   
_Both pull their swords._   
_A furious fight encounters until Daria completely cuts off the Daria-look-alike-Mary-Sue left arm. Still armed with sword in her right hand. The Daria-look-alike-Mary-Sue glances at her shoulder._

DARIA-LOOK-A-LIKE-MARY-SUE:   
'Tis but a scratch. 

DARIA:   
A scratch? Your arm is off. 

DARIA-LOOK-A-LIKE-MARY-SUE:   
No, it isn't. 

DARIA: _(Pointing at the arm on ground)_   
Well, what's that then? 

DARIA-LOOK-A-LIKE-MARY-SUE:   
I have had worse. Come on you pansy! 

DARIA:   
No wait!   
_(mutters)_   
Why do people think that quoting Monty Python sketches would make them more sophisticated?   
Especially the writer of this fanfiction should consider that this is not funny anymore.   
_(to the Mary Sue)_   
You know what: I am doing the readers and myself a favour. 

_Daria swings her sword and chops the head of the Mary Sue off._

_Walking over the Mary Sue's dead body, she turns back to the dying Jodie._

DARIA:   
Jodie? 

JODIE:   
Quinn. Where is Quinn? 

DARIA: _(packing out bandages and starts nursing Jodie)_   
Quinn? Quinn? Somewhere rings a bell… Ah yes, *that* Quinn, I let her go. 

JODIE: _(smirks with pain)_   
Then you did what I could not.   
_(pause)_   
They took the little ones. 

DARIA:   
Little? 

JODIE:   
The brains of Stacy and Tiffany. 

_Both smirk while Jodie is bleeding out of the bandages._   
_Daria takes a look and concludes that she won't make it._

DARIA:   
Hold still. 

JODIE:   
I have failed you. 

DARIA:   
I wouldn't put it like that. 

JODIE:   
Okay, I have f**ked everything up. 

DARIA: _(giving Jodie her sword)_   
Well… You still kept your honour. 

JODIE: _(grins with pain)_   
Well… My boyfriend will tell you something else… 

DARIA: _(touched by the scene, close to tears)_   
I wished you wouldn't have to leave. 

JODIE:   
What you expected from a token black girl in a fantasy spectacle?   
How about some Blaxploitation in the End? Prolonged dying scenes always attract Emmy nominations, especially when you are a young Afro-American-Teenager. 

DARIA: _(granting Jodie's last wish)_   
I do not know what strength is in my blood, but I swear to you I will not let the College fall, nor *our* people fail. 

JODIE:   
*Our* people, *our* people! I would have followed you to the end... my Queen... my sister... my friend! 

DARIA:   
Be at peace Daughter of Landon. 

_Dramatic pause. While Jane and Brittany join the scene._   


EXT. WESTERN SHORE OF THE BAY IN FRONT OF A WATERFALL – DAY   
_Quinn is rowing the boat on the other side of the stream. Sandi comes out the woods._

QUINN: _(to Sandi)_   
Go back, Sandi. I am going to the Great Strawberry Volcano alone. 

SANDI:   
Of *course* you are. Goodbye! 

_Sandi stands at the shore. But then she notices how a couple of Mary Sues attack her._

SANDI:   
WAIT! I am coming with you!! 

_She runs into the water._   


A BIT LATER   


EXT. WATERFALL – DAY   
_The corpse of Jodie gets a water funeral._

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_   
_SORRY FOR THE HARSH DESCRIPTION OF THAT SCENE, BUT JODIE IS FINE._   
_SHE AND OTHER CHARACTERS WEREN'T HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS FANFICTION._   
_…_   
_(EXCEPT THE MARY SUES)_   


EXT. WESTERN SHORE OF THE BAY IN FRONT OF A WATERFALL – DAY   
_Jane is about to pull a boat into the water. Daria and Brittany join her._

JANE:   
Hurry! Quinn and Sandi have reached the eastern shore. 

DARIA:   
Quinn's fate is no longer in our hands. 

JANE:   
*Exactly*. Hurry up so they don't find us again. 

BRITANNY:   
But that means that it has all been in vain. The Fellowship of Quinn has failed. 

DARIA:   
Yep, but the Fellowship of Daria will prevail. We will not abandon Stacy and Tiffany to torment and death. 

JANE:   
Yo! That is our job. 

BRITANNY:   
Besides, they still own us 284 $ for lunch, gas, and tolls, don't they? 

DARIA:   
So we agree:   
_(she puts her arms on the shoulders of Jane and Brittany)_   
Not while we have strength left.   
Leave all that can be spared behind:   
That is everything what the Fashion Club have dragged with, especially the olive oil.   
We travel light. Let's hunt some Mary Sues. 

_Daria runs off._   
_Jane smiles at Brittany and sprints after Daria._   
_Brittany pursues them._

BRITTANY: _(squeaks)_   
Yippy! Go Lawndale! 

_The three make their way into the next chapter of the saga._   
_To become the most notorious fighting trio since Goodfellas._

EXT. BARREN LAND – CLOUDY DAY   
Quinn and Sandi stop walking and look at horizon. A rocky wasteland is unfolding before them. 

QUINN:   
Ms Li's realms! I hope the others will find a safer road. I don't suppose that we see them again. 

SANDI:   
Well, *thanks* for that. 

QUINN: _(sarcastic)_   
Oh Sandi. I am *so* *glad* you are with me. 

_Both walk on to the horizon._   


  


END   
  
  
  


TO BE CONTINUED IN: 

THE TWO TEACHERS 

  



End file.
